Despite  the rather dicey ‘serial kisser’ prefix attached to his screen persona, Emraan Hashmi is a very private person. So, when an otherwise recluse actor who is not in the headlines unless he is doing some film suddenly surfaces in public space, it is with an agenda quite different from what is expected of a successful  film star. Excerpts

What triggered the desire to put down a very sad but bold experience of your private life knowing that you do not like talk about your private life at all?

I must be grateful to the young Bilal who has authored the book along with me, for pushing me to put down everything I and my wife Parveen went through, including the little Ayaan, as he suffered. We could do little to help him except hold his hand through his pain and see him towards a complete cure. S. Hussain Zaidi, a former investigative journalist and now a successful author specializing in investigative non-fiction on the criminal underworld visited  me when Ayaan was undergoing treatment in Canada. When he heard the whole story, he told me to put it down in writing. Penguin was happy to publish it.

How do you think it will appeal to the readers?

Cancer is a dreaded word. Many are scared even to utter it. I realized that at least in my case, the story will spell hope for families who close ones are afflicted by the disease. It need not be as dreaded a word as it seems to be. Cancer does not always mean death. If diagnosed at the right time or at the right stage, treated rightly, the patient can make a complete recovery like Ayaan has.

But the book is also about how you, your wife, the family and friends fought it. It also pans out your life story in a manner of speaking. Comment?

I was writing the book as the father whose three-and-a-half-year old son was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. As I began reliving the experience after the panic and the terror had faded, I realized that I was going through a lot of personal nostalgia, as the son of my parents, my own boyhood, then the growing up, the push by my grandmother to get into acting. I felt unless I relive these memories, the ‘father’ in the book will not flesh out fully.

What have you learnt about life from this process?

For me, it has been a long journey I have not only travelled with Ayaan and Parveen, but have lived through, learnt and experienced over the years and come out of it, bloody but triumphant. It has been a learning experience richer, harder, and much more challenging than all my films put together. I have not learnt only about life, but also about death as I lost my mother recently and came face-to-face with death on a personal level. It was as if, the very next minute, I was confronted with the fear of death of Ayaan, who did not know what was wrong with him, why he was in and out of hospitals all the time, and was forced to remain in bed with tubes sticking out of his little body, not allowing him to be the very naughty boy he is.

Did being Emraan Hashmi, a star with a big fan following, give you an edge as the parent?

The network in the film industry helped because I suddenly realized that people here can be kindness and generosity personified when a peer within the industry faces a crisis like this. Mahesh Bhatt Saab, who I consider to be my mentor, has been a huge source of moral support which he also was when I was literally limping towards a final ‘Okay’ for my first shot. He not only gave me moral support but he also shared fun time with Ayaan. Akshay Kumar who lost his father to cancer, called me up at once and offered to help. He has written the foreword to my book. There are others like John Abraham. The staff at the different hospitals in Mumbai would often recognize me and approach me to help. But once Ayaan left with his mother for Canada, the star charisma ended.

Was it difficult, not being with Ayaan and your wife when they were in Canada?

It was as difficult as it was to face the truth that my only child was in grave danger to his life. The Canada part was the most significant part where he had to be given chemo every single day. I wanted so much to be there to hold his hand. But Parveen is a pillar of strength. She made me realize that I had to stay back. I could not turn away from my professional commitments.  The treatment was very expensive and more money was needed. I was forced to stay back against my will but looking back, I feel happy I did. I might have lost my career I had built up with so much love and dedication, who knows? But my shoots, the homework for the films, worked like therapy for me at the time.

Do we see a different Emraan Hashmi after this experience?

Yes, of course. I am more responsible today not only as a husband and father and son, but also as a human being and an actor. It has matured me within this span of two years, invested me with more courage than I had before, greater determination to see through life and work and family and the willpower to face any eventuality, good, bad or indifferent. Can you imagine that this very Emraan Hashmi was almost written away as an actor because he could not give a good shot even after 36 takes? I am confident that this will never happen again. Some of my experience might reflect on my performance when the situation, film or character demands it.

You have added a very detailed epilogue listing a volume of information on the preventions and risks for cancer. Why?

I had turned myself into an Internet freak when Ayaan was first diagnosed with cancer. The information was scarier than I had imagined but on hindsight, it taught me a lot. I wished to keep the readers informed much before the disease could attack them or their family members. Not everyone can afford the expensive treatment though there are many health NGOs who are helping the deserving with medicine and treatment costs. I also learnt that 40%  of cancer deaths can be prevented. Why not put all this in with my personal experience, is what made me add this and I am happy having done that.